The Man in Her Head: A Barrier or Motivation to Be Better (Part 1 of 2)

A "He Said/She Said" Analysis on Dating, Love and Relationships


No relationship is just comprised of two people. If you’re in a relationship, I bet you thought it was just you and the other person you’re dating. It turns out that there are fifty-leven people inside the relationship. Here’s a discussion about some of those people, from two people who have been there.

Warning: This ain’t politically correct; this might offend our personal connects.

The Man in Her Head

Rahiel: Are you a woman who has The MITH (Man In The Head) Syndrome? Diagnosis is made when you realize (or are repeatedly told) that you’re madly in love with and dating a man you’ve never actually met (no, not Idris Elba), but the Weird Science figment of your imagination you crafted out of snippets of your favorite movies, songs, books, sermons, and romantic stories. You know who I’m talking about – the Ossie to your Ruby, the Clyde to your Bonnie, and the Barack to your Michelle. The man who has 24.5 items out of the 25 on your front and back list.

The MITH is a manufactured ideal that feeds into unrealistic fantasies of what love and marriage are all about. Where did The MITH come from? This varies based on a multitude of factors – family, class, culture, environment, education, religion, values, etc. Some might argue that he’s a manifestation of the father figure that was or wasn’t in the picture during childhood. Others would say that he’s an aggregate of every man ever encountered in life. Why is it difficult to be cured of The MITH? Because denial has become viral and old habits die hard.

At the age of 30, I know now that The MITH is not our fault. I instead blame Jem (I was never big on Barbie) for convincing us that we can be the star of our own shows as our supportive partners stand in the sidelines catering to our every need. I fault Dirty Dancing for leading us to believe that Nobody-Puts-Baby-In-The-Corner men with checkered pasts best know how to sweep good girls off of their feet. Beyond pop culture (R&B, Hip-Hop, and The Notebook particularly), I also point the finger at Black churches and our sista-girls.

Those influences combined lead so many of us to believe that one man can and should embody all of the following traits all of the time: protective/ sensitive, spontaneous/ calculated, charismatic/ humble, passionate/ laid back, sensual/ reserved, spiritual/ grounded , serious/ silly, feminist/ a man’s man, and faithful/ desired-by-all-other-women-on-earth. We end up believing that the knight in shining armor we read about in Disney books (or saw in Tyler Perry films) may make a special guest appearance in not only our classrooms, corporate offices, and churches, but perhaps even in the clubs and hoods of America. While millions of women remain unaffected by The MITH, I’m convinced that this plague has become pandemic, crossing all racial, cultural and class boundaries.

The Man He Ain’t

Panama: For all of the great things that men bring to the table – the table, for instance – one of our biggest faults in relationships is our resistance to change unless it’s on our own terms. Of course, it would be easier if our woman didn’t constantly view us through the paradigm of the man in her head and expect him to show up instead of the man she’s dating, but that’s just the price of doing business. But change is a part of life. It’s a part of growing. So we tend to stand in our own way by constantly reminding, and simultaneously pissing off our women by telling them who we ain’t. Which is the lose-lose for everybody.

“Baby, you knew when we met I didn’t pick up my socks. Why are you complaining now? I’m not a clean dude.” Or “I’m not the call you all day guy.” Or “I’m not the guy who is going to be that sympathetic ear. I’m a fixer, not a listener! Period.” That last one is a big problem. But it seems like men, as a species, like to change and evolve on our own time and of our own doing. I mean, we want our woman to be the same woman we fell in love with, why can’t I be the same too? Why do we have to do all this changing? I ain’t that dude anyway. I’m me. And I’m gonna stay me. Stupidity, thy name is single man.

The funny thing is that there’s a long held secret amongst most men. We actually want to be the man our women want us to be. For one, it would make our lives easier (or so we think…and actually so SHE thinks), and two, we realize we could be better men. But it’s hard being yourself, by yourself for so long successfully and then having to completely uproot who you are to make somebody else happy, especially when that person seems to go so far to point out your flaws as opposed to what you do right. It’s all in the delivery. We’d be more inclined to make some of those changes if it didn’t feel like our every move was an affront to your sanity, peace on Earth, and goodwill towards men. Real talk. The Civil War claimed a lot of lives, why bring it home and let it claim our relationship? The answer can’t ALWAYS be, “well if you’d just do xyz…” can it?

The Woman She Thinks She Is

Rahiel: Worse than believing that The MITH exists is believing that we deserve him. This is where we must be brutally honest with ourselves. If there really was a man alive who embodied the creativity of Langston Hughes, the charisma of Malcolm X, the brilliance of DuBois, the enterprise of Reginald Lewis, the athleticism of Jordan, the passion of Tupac, the looks of Denzel, and the moral perfection and self-sacrifice of Jesus, then what in the world would that man want with you and I? Even on our best days – we’re no match for The MITH.

But there’s a woman who is, and that’s “the ideal woman” that so many of us convince ourselves that we are. Truth be told, we can possess a lot of non-negotiables, but still wrestle with basics such as an understanding and love of self, trust and communication. While we would all like to think that we’re the “sure you can spend this weekend kicking it with your boys without worrying about me” type, the reality is that a lot of us seek constant validation from our lovers. And as Panama Jackson (perhaps inspired by his church going days) says, “It’s not a man’s job to make you whole.” Or in other words - what a man says and does should never define who you are in the relationship.

Who She Is For Real For Real

Panama: It’s funny. If a woman tells a man who he really is (i.e. lazy, inconsiderate, selfish, etc.), he’s just supposed to take it, acknowledge it (because she can’t be wrong), fix it, and make her happy. But if a man tells a woman about herself, it’s akin to kicking her down a flight of stairs. “How could he? That’s not me!” Plus she hasn’t consulted her homegirls who will likely tell her that she’s not a nag or a complainer or overly negative or passive aggressive or rude or a malcontent and hard to be around. Of course, she’ll never get the truth because the people that don’t like her for those reasons have removed themselves from her life anyway.


So she’s surrounded by a bunch of people who are just like her and who also don’t see it as a problem. Everybody else is the problem. Most people are intimately familiar with who they think they are, but when faced with the truth, it’s hard to acknowledge. You ever notice in most movies that it’s the men who have the come to Jesus “I’m gonna do right” moments? Women are always fine just the way that they are. Yeah. Bull malarkey. Most women aren’t the image they portray themselves to be. Most women are the exact opposite of who they proclaim to be. Put simply: if she tells you she’d never do it, she’s going to do it as soon as she gets home. So long as nobody’s looking. Women are the living manifestation of plausible deniability.

Do you agree or disagree? Have these people been in your relationships?

For part 2 visit: http://www.urbancusp.com/newspost/the-man-in-her-head-a-barrier-or-motivation-to-be-better-part-2-of-2/
 

April Collective Recap: Protecting Your Assets

Yo yo yo!  Big HUGS to all the ladies that attended the April Collective. This collective was focused on how to Protect Your Assets: Spiritually and Emotionally.  I want to thank Mrs. Donna Gardner and Mrs. Doni Daniels for taking time out of their schedules to come impart some knowledge and share with us some valuable information. 

Here are a few key points I took home:

-What is an asset?

  Anything of value; useful and desirable thing or quality

-What does it mean to protect?

  To defend or guard from attack, invasion, loss, annoyance, or insult
 

-What are emotions?

  A psychological state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is    

  sometimes accompanied by physiological changes; a feeling.
 

( List of emotions: http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emotions )

• Emotional Assets: Joy, Passion, Happiness, Love, Peaceful,

(Examples of negative emotions: bitter, resentful, fearful, hateful, discontent, doubt, anxiety or
distress, anger)

• How to protect your emotional assets:  Set boundaries: do not allow others to steal your assets (joy, peace) or abuse you.  Make a choice to not let any person, thing, or circumstance dictate your state   of being (feelings, decisions, or lifestyle)
• Change requires new thinking. As we’ve discussed, in order to change, we must learn the truth and start making good choices, but we also must change the way we think.  The battle for sin starts in your mind, not in your behavior. The way you think determines the way you feel, and the way you feel determines the way you act. If you want to change the way you act, you start by changing the way you think. In addition, if you want to change the way you feel, you must start with the way you think.  The Bible says, “There must be a spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes” (Ephesians 4:23). "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things".  (Philippians 4:8)

   http://purposedriven.com/blogs/dailyhope/index.html?contentid=7207

• As believers in Christ, we must guard our hearts, because out it flows the issues of life (Proverbs 4:23). 
•  Protect your thought process, so that you can make the right decision.  Therefore, every thought that is not wholesome, or is proud, or not in line with God’s word and purposes,  or negative thinking, we need to read and speak God’s word.  As we focus more on God, we will find these wrong thoughts will soon decrease, because we’re re-aligning our thinking. We have to actively stop ourselves dwelling on it and to fill our minds with Godly things. These are the weapons of our warfare and by doing these things, we will pull down the strongholds in our thought lives. (Read 2 Corinthians 10:4-5) 

•   God created women because it was not good for men to be alone.  Genesis 2:18: "Then the LORD 
• God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." (NASV).  God created us to be a man"s helper and supporter. 

• Single ladies: Even though God created us to be a help-mate, that should not be our focus. 

• "We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;
  persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed" (2 Corinthians 4:8-9).  How is it that, as Christians, we are expected to withstand incredible pressures and not be defeated?  How can we possibly stand up against everything the world has to throw at us and still expect to emerge victorious? The answer lies not in ourselves, but in a divine and unbeatable defense: the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-20).

I hope these key points enlighten you!

For those that did not attend the collective, I included the question for your journal:

The Journal Entry questions:

Would you be a different person today if you had a different childhood?

What type of person would you be if you had parents like your peers? 

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, 2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3  and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”

ISAIAH 61:1-3 (NIV)

INFLUENCES FROM CHILDHOOD

No one's childhood is perfect. What we experienced during those years has a profound impact, even into adulthood. Things we saw, heard, felt, and even things we did not feel can affect us later in life.

As one might expect, external influences do help to shape our personality. However, the result is not always predictable. For example, early years full of painful experiences leave deeps wounds in some, but in others, they contribute to the development of depth and perseverance.

Whether your younger years were joyful or painful, it can be valuable to consider what their impact was, back then as well as in the present. You might start by exploring your responses to key childhood events. Next, identify traits that you appreciated in your parents and others--qualities you'd like to nurture in your own life. Finally, think about people with characteristics that impacted you negatively. Ask God for healing and freedom from the patterns you may have developed in response. Then shift your focus to godly attributes you want to exhibit instead, such as peace, grace, and gentleness.

The heavenly Father wants to free you from any negative trends that took root early in life. He can break any unhealthy pattern and replace it with hope and deep satisfaction in Him.

As you explore the effects of childhood experiences, pray to see through a lens of truth. When you recognize ways that others negatively influenced you, pray for strength to forgive and God's help in mending areas of brokenness--whether spiritual, emotional, relational, or mental.
 

How to Love Again

Today, I was browsing Essence.com and I came across an article about love after loss.  The author of the article gives a few great tips that can help you after a break-up, divorce, or when you have been hurt.  Here are a few of the tips from the article. I hope it helps :)

- Free Yourself

You can’t love again until you heal the pain that your lost love inflicted. Grieve, and as you do, you will become more emotionally healthy.

- Consider a Therapist
Therapy saves and changes lives, period. If you are having a particularly hard time with the grieving process, a good therapist can guide you through.

- Recognize That You Thrive from Love
Loving others is critical to our human existence. It is important to understand that without love, life will never feel full.

- Accept Who You Are
Accepting all parts of you gives you ownership of your journey and the power to decide what stays, what goes, and what can evolve.

- Love Yourself
The more you love yourself, the more likely you are to attract a person who is emotionally healthy.
(Self-nurturing is the basic foundation of building the Self. Be kind to yourself, daily)!

- Know the Type of Love You Want
Think about your next relationship. Set a standard for what you are seeking and what you will not accept.


- Open Yourself Up to the Possibilities
Remain open to new possibilities and you will become a magnet for greater opportunities.

- Ease into New Relationships Slowly
It is impossible to replace your lost love. Instead, allow new love to grow and blossom in its own way
(on its own time).

Ready or Not

In remembrance of Christ's sacrifice on the cross and God's love for mankind, I decided to post this video celebrating Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday.